Blietzkrieg Road Ramble of Death

Blietzkrieg Road Ramble of Death

Always Bring Your Bear Spray

It's nice to have friends. But I'm not so sure about frenemies.  My friend Steve is also my enemy and I have to always be on the lookout when he asks me to go on a hike. He could lead me to a predetermined spot where he already dug my grave and just pop me and put me in like a neatly wrapped Christmas present. 

So when he asked me to meet him at the Blietzkrieg trail in Hopkington, Rhode Island, I immediately was suspicious, especially when I Googled the word blietzkrieg which means "an intense military campaign intended to bring about a swift victory." So maybe this will be a short hike after all. Not if I can help it. 

Background of Hatred.  

I may be wrong, but I believe he is trying to kill me because I beat him at a game of Pooh Sticks not too long ago. Or maybe because I beat hime in a one on one game of basketball game with a sore torn ACL knee. There are so many jealousies that he could have that I have given up trying to figure out what he wants revenge for. 

Beginning of the Blietzkrieg Trail.

We arrived in different cars and I showed him my bear spray and how fast I can take it out to spray peopl, I mean bears. I purposely showed him that I can take it out and spray in 8 seconds when I can quickly take it out in two.  If he was going to try to attack me, he will be the lowly dog and I will be the triumphant skunk. 

Fact Sheet on Wood Frogs

After a few minutes of walking and talking we quickly got into our first argument. I saw a Wood Frog and even said it's scientific name, Lithobates sylvaticus.  He called it a turtle or something, I can't remember and we nearly came to blows. I had my thumb on my bear pepper spray and was ready to blind him if he attacked. No attack came and that's when I rolled my eyes and said to myself, "this ain't going to be a blietzkrieg attack after all." 

Spring Peeper Tik Tok

After another few minutes Steve pointed to the sand and said, "Hey look at that!" Obviously it was nothing. This was his attack plan. Get me to look at nothing and then he was going to hit me over the head with a karate chop of death. But I saw movement. It was a spring peeper. I took out my phone so I can get video of the spring peeper or maybe even him committing first degree murder. But instead I got the spring peeper which was really cool. And oh by the way, yes I told Steve it was the Pseudocris crucifer. He was either really impressed or getting more angry. I couldn't tell. 

We hiked for another mile or so until we came to clearing with a sign on a tree. Steve said, "Go up and take a picture of it." 

I went up to the picture and found out how he was going to try to kill me. 

"It's a good thing I put on bug spray." I said. 

"Why don't we take waterhole trail. We've never been down that road before." Steve said. 

We hiked down the trail until it came to a small roundabout near the Wood River. I walked into the river to cool off my feet but the trail and entire area was loaded with mosquitoes. 

"Let's start walking back to our cars." I said, "It's getting really buggy." 

Steve quickly agreed. I noticed he walked behind me a bit and slowed his pace. 

"Can you walk a bit faster so we don't get eaten alive?" 

"Oh yeah, sure" Steve said. 

And then I saw how Steve wanted to kill me. A huge widow maker was hanging about 20 feet in the air just waiting to crush me. Steve was talking and getting next to me and I was hugging the side of the road right under where the tree branch was going to crash. The leaves of the tree branch had turned a darker color than the living leaves all around it. Without any warning I elbowed Steve hard in his ribs and pushed him down on the sandy land quickly got him in a headlock. 

"Hey! Let me go! What the hell!" Steve yelled while struggling to get out of the headlock. 

"You trying to kill me the entire hike! It's not gunna happen!" I yelled back. 

We scuffled for a moment and I really should have known better. I felt Steve's hand take the pepper spray out of my holster and within a second both of us had both of our hands on the pepper spray trying to twist the nozzle towards the other person's face. He slowly pointed it toward my face and was about to push the top to spray me when all of a sudden we both heard a loud crack. The widow maker was about to fall. When Steve looked up at the tree, I grabbed the bear spray out of his hand and then grabbed his arm and yanked him as hard as I could towards me and away from the falling branch which landed right where he was and smashed into a thousand toothpicks. 

"You saved my life, I can't believe it." Steve said while he lay there huffing and puffing. 

"And that's why I'm going to do this," and then I sprayed him point blank in the eyes with the bear spray. Steve gave out a yell of pain that I could barely hear over my cackle of a laugh. It was so hilarious to see him rubbing his eyes with sand and ruffling through his backpack for water to clean his eyes out with.  We walked back to our cars, said our goodbyes and as Steve was entering his car, I heard him mutter to himself, "I'm going to really kill him next time."